Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize