My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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