On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
