nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
