Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
there's paper in my vomit.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
