Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
