Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
