How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
