id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
