I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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