She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
