Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
