woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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