I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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