I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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