oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
