why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
