I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
