That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
