Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
