I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
