I want to have your abortion
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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