Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
