No, drunk sperm still make babies.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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