My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
