the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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