Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
