we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
