I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
