He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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