It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
