God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize