i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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