Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
