he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
