Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
