Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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