First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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