I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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