According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
