woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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