she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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