I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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