i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
