call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
