My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
