she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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