my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize