My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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