Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
