I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize