But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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