just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
