Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Randomize
