You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
