the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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