Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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